I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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