I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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