Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
