What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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