Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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