i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
