In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
