yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
