I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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