I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
