I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize