My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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