I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize