I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
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