Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you have to choose: penises or morals?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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