I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
