my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
