Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
