Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I am naked and annoyed.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
