Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
