So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Randomize
