Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
