Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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