I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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