I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize