My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
