my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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