i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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