I accidentally burped into my bong.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
