The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
