Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
