i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She told me I should be a condom model.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
