life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize