Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize