I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize