i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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