probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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