my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm gonna fight the coyote
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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