Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
They have beer where we have blood.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
