Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
the liver wants what the liver wants
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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