I've blown a few things in my day
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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