I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
