I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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