Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
