I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
