Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
