i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
i need to put some appletini on your dick
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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