so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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