saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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