He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You're a waste of cheezeits
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
