Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
