You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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