I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
