when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
