I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
