"it" just moved
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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