im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
